I keep trying to answer question number 3: Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? I think I’m avoiding the answer because I already know it and embarrassed for some reason. Yes. Of course yes. And don’t you always? I had this conversation with someone I am getting to know over dinner the other night and while I was asking the question I was thinking, just like this…I planned this conversation too. I thought about these questions and memorized a mantra to make sure I could come back to it incase I was overwhelmed with your (his) rugged jaw line or this second margarita.
childhood stuffed animal
This was my mantra-story…”a superhero looks at a crystal ball and sees that a fire will alight a city of houses and decides to remove everyone’s childhood stuffed animal.” I know this makes no sense so I have decided to not edit or reread. I never expected he, the man I’m getting to know, would say as I was thinking, “of course I do, don’t you?” Then he ordered the octopus for us to share. The only item on the menu I really wanted but was afraid to mention. Why? I don’t rightly know. Sometimes I feel guilty for loving octopus because I love octopi. Their strangeness feels normal to me. I think if I were to die tonight and reincarnation was truth I would return as one. I’m so multi-layered. The number of hats I wear outnumbers the number of hairdos I have. I am tangled within an eight legged humanity! This post is like the weather, schizophrenic and without vigor but I’m going to keep writing because I’ve started it several times and today’s goal is to finish.
Recently I started praying for patience in all things and I’ve noticed more often than not I am feeling impatient. I spoke with a friend about it and she started to laugh. She said I was going about the praying all wrong. That if I ask for patience then I will be bombarded with situations that test my patience in order to hone it smooth. What!!! I hadn’t thought about it that way and said, “what do I pray for then?” She said it is a wise thing to pray for exactly what we want not a way to deal with it.” Ah. DUH!!! So I’ve changed course. I want to write like this:
The aggravation of reading philosophy
to fall asleep is that you can only sleep
while reading. Once you turn out the light,
you’re awake again, swamped in conundrums
and that elaborate subordinating syntax
with which the fact of your own existence
is made debatable. I read Descartes,
therefore I am sleepy. I sleep not,
therefore I think and am desperate not to.
As for the moon, unless my senses deceive me,
it is full and though the pull of it provides for the tides,
there’s no surf thrash here to lull me asleep. Instead,
I keep thinking of Francine, Descartes’s daughter,
who died at five of scarlet fever.
The brightness of the moon allows me
to study the blood in my eyelids,
which I am otherwise uncertain is truly there.
Not even thinking about it proves it,
although, if Descartes was correct, thinking suggests
that I am as he must have been,
susceptible to what is called heartbreak,
a metaphorical rendering of grief.
It would have kept him awake too,
370 years ago this month.
After her passing, it took him two years
to demonstrate at last, the immortality
of the human soul, and still she was gone,
and still I cannot sleep for thinking.
The impossible to be borne is withstood,
and philosophy is nothing
the metaphorical heart cannot annihilate.
Little about the moon has changed
since Descartes would have looked upon it and thought,
though he must have also felt how little his thinking mattered
in the end, proving, as it did, nothing but that she had been,
and was, though he could not stop thinking of her, no more.
ROBERT WRIGLEY “ANATOMY OF MELANCHOLY & OTHER POEMS”
I’m praying for other things. Like my children’s happiness and and for all of us to graduate with honors. That I meet one nice guy with a bit of scruff who accepts my brain and the hugeness of my heart. Who believes in monogamy and thinks I’m the shit. I want him to want me to want him to be successful in all things. I’ve other requests too like a fantastic job offer and that my friend’s husband’s tumor is benign. I want my friend M’ to fall in love and another friend to find some courage…the list continues. I think somehow my life became too busy and I forgot about the specifics. I unconsciously generated file folders inside my soul and categorized all the desires of my heart into subjects. Patience, healing, strength, stability. Thank you to the friend that reminded me that I best be upfront because the God of this universe has more imagination than my human-Ness can conceive. Ask up front. Practice the conversation. Call me silly. Ask and Receive is my new mantra.